The Question That Wouldn’t Let Me Go
I’m a father, a student, a certified artist, and a certified tantric massage practitioner.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been searching for meaning. In books, in art, in philosophy. Paraphrasing Paul Gauguin: Where do I come from? What am I? Where am I going?
As an artist, I discovered something that puzzled me for years. When I fought for control, when I tried to force the work into my vision, it felt weak. Soulless. Art is perceived intuitively, and sometimes it’s hard to define why something is good or not. But I could feel the difference.
I’m a trained artist – I went through academic education in Poland and in the UK. I believe that first polish is essential. Now I would call it an initiation. It gave me the tools, the craft, the language. But the real mystery remained: when I truly surrendered – when I let go of control and allowed the process to move through me – something else emerged, something I couldn’t predict or plan. The paintings, the drawings, the sounds became alive in a way I couldn’t explain.
But I didn’t understand why. Why does art work when I release control? Why does surrender create truth while force creates emptiness?
I kept searching. I started to understand that maybe I wasn’t the source. Maybe I was meant to be a channel. A tool. I could feel it – something was coming through me, not from me. From somewhere larger. From some greater, universal consciousness that I could tap into when I got out of my own way.
When the Cosmos Becomes Your Co-Creator
NĀDA Radio is my most recent artistic exploration – a project that lives at the intersection of art, spirituality, and technology.
It’s a continuous stream of generative ambient music, shaped in real-time by actual cosmic events: solar flares from a cosmos agency, gravitational waves from colliding black holes billions of light-years away. The system translates the Sun’s energy eruptions and spacetime vibrations into sound.
I built the structure – the harmonic framework, the sonic palette, the rules. But what do you hear at any given moment? That’s shaped by the universe itself.
This is the principle I discovered in painting, now taken to its ultimate form: I create the container, then surrender control to something larger. The cosmos becomes the improviser. I become the channel.
Why? Because it’s meditation made audible. It’s a tool for the journey inward. The continuous stream can calm the nervous system, support deep relaxation, accompany your yoga nidra practice, or simply create space for presence. It’s there when you need to slow down, breathe, and return to yourself.
In Sanskrit, nāda means the primordial sound – the cosmic vibration from which everything emerged. Tantra teaches that everything is vibration. Contemporary physics confirms it. NĀDA Radio makes it experiential.
It streams 24/7, never repeating, always now.
You can explore the project at nadaradio.com
Water, Stone, Presence
I balance stones. It’s my meditation, my way of being present in my favourite environment – among water and rock. There’s something about the tension between gravity and grace, between control and letting go, that has always spoken to me.
Years ago, I stood by the Ouzoud waterfalls in Morocco. Something shifted. The sound of falling water, the mist on my skin, the stones beneath my feet – I wasn’t separate from it anymore. We were one. Nature and I were the same thing. It was a metaphysical experience that I couldn’t explain, couldn’t hold onto, but couldn’t forget.
For years after, I searched for that feeling again. That sense of belonging. Of being whole.
When Creative Energy Meets Sexual Energy
For years, I lived these two forces separately. My art was one thing – sacred, disciplined, something I could talk about. My sexuality was another – private, something I didn’t fully understand.
But the truth is, they were never separate.
The same energy that moves through me when I paint, when I balance stones, when I let the music flow – that’s the same energy that pulses through my sexuality. It’s life force. Creative force. In Tantra, it’s called shakti – the divine feminine energy that creates, destroys, and transforms everything.
I began to see that my confusion around sexuality wasn’t about sex at all. It was about creative energy that had nowhere to go. Energy that I was taught to control, suppress.
Sexual energy exists. It’s real. It’s powerful. It’s the force that literally creates life – and yet we hide it under the carpet.
In Tantra, it’s connected to the second chakra (svadhisthana) – the sacral centre where creativity, pleasure, and life force originate. This is the energy that drives the entire world. Procreation. Art. Music. Innovation. Every human being on this planet exists because of this energy.
I wanted real answers. What is this force? Why is it so strong? What is it for?
Jokes at work. Awkward conversations. Nothing serious.
Why do we build cities, write symphonies, fall in love, risk everything – all driven by this energy we’re taught not to talk about?
In school, they teach you biology. Reproduction. Mechanics. But no one teaches you about the energy itself. What does it mean? Where it goes. How to work with it. How it connects to everything else you feel and create.
I was an artist searching for creative flow. I didn’t realise I was also searching for the same energy in my body. The force that moves through sex is the same force that moves through art. Through presence. Through life itself.
Tantra gave me the answers I was looking for. Not moral rules. Not shame. Not suppression. But understanding.
Sexual energy is much more than sex. It’s life force. When you learn to feel it, move it, breathe with it – everything opens. Your body becomes alive. Your creativity expands. You discover what it means to live fully present, fully embodied, fully here.
This is rarely discussed in everyday life. I had to travel, find a teacher, and go through the experience myself to understand it. And the discovery continues.
Everything Is Welcome
Tantra showed me that there’s nothing to fix. Nothing to reject. Everything in us – the desire, the fear, the pleasure, the shadow – is part of the whole. Tantra accepts everything that we are.
It wasn’t about becoming someone else. It was about coming home to myself.
Yoga became part of my practice. As exercise and as a way of listening. Of breathing. Of being present with what is.
And slowly, the questions I’d been asking in my art – about surrender, about process, about the relationship between control and chance – started to make sense in my body. The same exploration. The same journey. Just anchored differently.
From Searching to Sharing
Now, I work with women who are also searching. Who senses there’s something more. Who want to feel whole in their bodies, present in their sexuality, alive in their spirit.
Tantric massage became the bridge. The way I could share what I’ve learned – not as a teacher with answers, but as a guide who’s walked the path and knows the terrain.
This is not the end of my journey. I’m still balancing stones. Still asking questions. Still surrendering.
But now, I can hold space for you to do the same.
Mateusz Beznic
artist website
www.MateuszBeznic.com
Learn more from the blog:
- When the Sun Becomes Your Teacher
There’s a moment in deep meditation when you begin to hear it – that subtle inner sound, the nāda that yogis have spoken of for millennia.